Oscar Snarkfest II

It’s that time again!

Join me for free-range sarcasm throughout the evening. I’ll be adding to this post, so hit refresh every now and then. Most recent comments will be at the bottom.

 A contest to start off the evening. How many "Brokeback Mountain" jokes will there be? The winner gets my undying admiration, because that’s all I have to give.

• Charlize Theron seens to have a large taffeta growth on her shoulder.
• Jon Stewart seems to have one on his tongue, however. Bring back Steve Martin! 
• OK, George Clooney just set the standard for not only looks, but speeches. A bit sly, funny and political without being obnoxious. If everybody follows his lead, I won’t have anything to write about…
• Wait, here’s Ben Stiller. No worries. 
• Using fashion properly: the Wallace and Grommit guys, who wore huge striped bowties, AND brought tiny matching bowties for their Oscars.
• Using fashion improperly: Naomi Watts, who looks like she went through the shredder.
• Hot jilted wives: Nicole Kidman and Jennifer Anniston both looking good, though Anniston needs to work on her game face.
• Stopping hoggin’ the mike, jerko. When two people get Oscars, both should get to talk. Even if it means installing an electroshock device behind the mike stand to make sure the first one who gets there doesn’t get all the airtime. It’s an Oscar for MAKE-UP! She may never get another chance! Move aside, bubba, and give the woman her moment!
• Lauren Bacall, you’re a classy broad and you always have been. Curse those damn dirty apes who made you read so much drivel from the cursed teleprompter!
• Ok, the fake political ads from best actress nominees are brilliant. Particularly, "Dame Judy Dench took my eye out in a bar fight."
• More inventive accessorizing! The "March of the Penguins Guys" are as adorable — and awkward — as the subject of their film.
• Stop them before they stage again! Will they never learn? The hokey production numbers they create to go with the best song nominees never fail to complete demean the work. The beautifully evocative song from "Crash" is a classic case. Just show clips from the film, man! How hard is that? Does the dancer’s union have dirty pictures of you, or what??!!
• How you can tell they’re actors and actresses: the forced laughter at embarassing bits (see Ben Stiller) and feigned enthusiasm at dull appearances (see President of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences).
• Hot! Hot! Hot! Selma Hayek rocks in one of the best dresses so far tonight. Though Herb is disturbed that it makes her breasts appear lopsided.
• Instead of having Jon Stewart mock the overuse of film clip montages, how about this: Just don’t do so many. Just say no. And in honor of "Brokeback Mountain," I’ll bring in the first of our cowboy commenters:
  "I wish I knew how to quit you."
• Did I mention that the absurdity of the production numbers is directly proportional to the hip factor of the original source material?
• And now, the Award for Being Painfully Thin: 
• Ziya Zhang.
• And as for the best actor winner, I have to bring in the next cowboy commenter:
• "I wish I knew how to hit him."
• And for the best actress winner , the third cowboy commenter:
• "I wish I knew how to get her (but don’t tell Dale)."
• Maybe Larry McMurtry didn’t think he’d be on stage. Under the tuxedo jacket, he’s wearing worn blue jeans and cowboy boots. And his bowite is askew. Or maybe he just doesn’t care. The way he writes, who cares. And in his honor, this very special cowboy commenter:
• "Quite a party."
• God, they’re thanking financiers. Shorter than any Oscar show in recent memory, and yet, more boring. Here’s a thought: just do the the top 6 awards on the show, and shove all the rest to the technical awards ceremony that none of us have to endure. Anybody with me?