Livemock thwarted

I’m sitting here, wondering how I could have missed such a golden opportunity to livemock the American Idol finale. Having only joined the broadcast at 9:30, I’m seeing what a goldmine this could have been. What could I have been thinking to, like, spend time with my kids??

Let me just say a few things.

Dionne Warwick still rules. She can’t hit the high notes anymore, but she rules nonetheless. Also, she’s either had a nip, a tuck, a lift, all of the above, or she made a deal with the devil. Burt Bacharach needs a nip, lift, tuck, and possibly a mask. Dude!

Prince? Freakin’ Prince is on American Idol? It’s one thing to see Rod Stewart (love ya, man!), Stevie Wonder (once and forever a genius)…all great, but sort of past their prime, all having gone fairly mainstream long ago. But Prince, who was once almost too cool to tolerate his own company? Who was too cool (literally) for words and started using a symbol? I guess he really needs to boost those album sales. It feels like the end of an era somehow.

Oh, and the winner? It was hard to care, since the whole thing had been reduced to the bland leading the bland after the elimination of hometown boy Chris Daughtry .

This is really the first season I’ve watched American Idol consistently, and I’m sure of a couple of things now. 1) Ryan Seacrest could stand to spend some time in a Turkish prison. 2) Paula needs to sit down, shut up and stop crying, or they should cut off her meds. 3) Randy, yo dog, get a new schtick. 4) Simon, what are you doing with these losers? I understand why you’re so testy now.

UPDATE:  OK, I did tape it, because I am hooked now. And watching what I missed, I have to just add…

– If Paris can’t harmonize with Al Jarreau, she really didn’t deserve to make it to the finals.

– What twisted maniac paired Meatloaf with Katherine McPhee? The only thing that would have made that work would have been for him to wig out and take a bite out of her like the cream puff she is.

– Crazy Dave needs counseling, not encouragement. Way over the border between funny and scary.

– Carrie Underwood? Love the dress, love the song, love everything. Shockingly, nothing snarky to say.

– Is anyone more in love with Toni Braxton than…Toni Braxton?? Prancing around in the throes of self-love while singing about babies born in the ghetto is just bad taste. 

– Having seen all the finalists perform again, a finale based solely on talent would have had Chris and Elliott facing off.

– And that’s where I came in. Dionne, I say a little prayer for you.