I have bunions.
Tee hee.
Relax. It’s OK to laugh. It’s just one of those words that sounds funny. It’s a recurring theme in my life: I can’t seem to come down with anything that sounds dignified.
Sinusitis. Bunions.
I went to eye doctor the other day, and he said I had a “vitreous tuft” in my left eye. How can you have a tuft of anything in your eye? It just sounds funny.
Bunions sound like one of those things old people complain about. “I got a little rhumatism in my hip, and my bunions are killing me.”
They really do hurt, though, and they get progressively worse over time. They’re bony bumps on the joint at the base of the big toe. They form when the distance between the metatarsal bones is too great, causing the big toe to turn inward.
You’ve probably heard that they’re caused by wearing high heels. That’s what I always heard, so I figured it was my own fault until I went to see a doctor about them. Actually, they’re hereditary.
My right foot, where the first one started years ago, was pretty warped. A developing bunion on my left foot was getting increasingly painful. Sometimes I’d take a step and it felt like bones were grinding together.
Still, surgery? Yikes. I’ve put up with it all these years. I could keep putting up with it. Then I called my mom, who had the surgery several decades ago.
“Don’t even give it another thought,” she said. “Just do it. Smartest thing I ever did. I’ve never regretted it one day.”
OK then. So I called my insurance company to make sure it was covered. The lady on the phone was really nice.
“Do you have a surgery code?”
“Uh, no. It’s bunion surgery.”
“So, would it be a bunionectomy?”
Tee hee. She giggled, then apologized, but I laughed, too. I can’t say it myself without laughing.
But in truth, when you tell people what the surgery entails, they SO stop laughing. Here’s the deal: They saw off that big bump of bone, cut the metatarsal, realign the bone with joint, and put a pin in there to hold it in place.
But it’s really no fun to see people turn white (or green) when I tell them this.
So for the last three weeks, when people ask me why I’m in this big surgical boot, I usually just say I’ve had foot surgery.
Here’s the funny thing, though. When I actually decide to tell someone it’s bunions — bracing for the inevitable giggle — about 90 percent of them either kick off their shoes to show me their scars, or tell me about a friend or relative who had the surgery, too.
So friends, if you’re out there suffering with bunions, don’t be ashamed to admit it. Embrace your bunions. Then go in there and get the darn things sawed off. They tell me one day I’ll walk without pain.
But not for a while. On Monday, I think they’ll let me out of the boot. And I make the appointment to get the other foot done.
