Ramblin’ Prose

Thanks to my wonderful husband, I’m actually going to be able to go online from the beginning this year, including the pre-Oscar show! (Hit refresh periodically, as I’ll be updating this post throughout the night.)

It was a real affirmation for me when they started doing those red carpet shows, which focused on one of the two key attractions of the whole affair — clothing hits and misses. (The other key attraction, of course, is watching stars making fools of themselves when they don’t have a script to follow.)

This year, the red carpet pre-show is actually being done by the network. And predictably, they’re screwing it up already by asking boring questions about why Leo loves his director, instead of asking those starlets what the audience really wants to know: How the heck are you keeping that dress from falling off, anyway?

– Ann Hathaway (in Valentino) is standing beside what must be an extra from “Night of the Living Dead.” No wait, that’s the costume designer from “The Devil Wears Prada.” Question: if you’re a costume designer, why didn’t you pick something, you know, flattering to wear?

– Penelope Cruz, a classic beauty, impeccably dressed. If others follow her example, this could be a dull night.
– Cameron Diaz. If it’s true what the gossip rags say about how possessive and jealous she is, Justin (and whoever he’s with) will probably be safe. She can’t run in that mermaid cut dress. He can get a good head start.

– OK, these interviews are making me LONG for Joan and Melissa Rivers. Don’t ask Kate Winslet about her 5 Oscar nominations. Ask her whether she’s wearing underwear under that sheer gown.

Verdict on the network pre-show: wretched, absolutely wretched.

I want to thank the Academy for not opening the show with a stupid musical number. The film montage of various nominees chatting was funny and unpredictable, a rare commodity on award shows.

I spoke too soon. Here comes the stupid musical number. In the name of all that is holy, please keep it short. Thank you.

– Nicole Kidman, looking very classy in a red hourglass gown marred only by one of those life-threatening bows on the back.

NOT a product improvement: those flesh colored microphones the singers are using don’t make them less noticeable. They make the wearer look like they’ve developed unsightly warts.

– Jaden Smith should HOST the Oscars next year. Not only is he cute, he still acts like an actual kid.

–Sound Effects Choir is freakish and wonderful. And short. Ditto to the “interpretive dance” troupe doing tributes to nominated films. I was ready to declare this the zenith of self-important and hideous time-wasters they feel compelled to add to the show every year, but the first one, on “Happy Feet,” clearly wasn’t taking itself too seriously. And it was short, too.

– OK, this show is having an unbridled outbreak of class. First James Taylor and Randy Newman in a spare and beautiful performance (without video clips or dumb dance numbers) and now Melissa Ethridge, just singing the song. They’re scaring me. I won’t have anything to ridicule.

– An actually funny bit! Al Gore seems ready to announce his candidacy for a major political office, but just then, the “please end your acceptance speech” swell of music drowns him out.

– Nice touch — actual people in the actual costumes from the film for the costume design award.

We need a really bad dress or some really questionable behavior STAT! Don’t make me come out there.

– Priceless: Ellen DeGeneres telling Steven Spielberg how to take a picture, and then making him do it over.

– Whoa! Bad dress alert! Thank you Eva Green, for coming to the Academy Awards with oversized Cheerios plastered to your chest. Or is that calamari rings? Yeesh.

– They’re putting me to sleep now….

– Dreamgirls cast proves why they’re nominated in knock-out musical number… and wakes me up in the process. I hope I didn’t miss anything truly tasteless.

– OK, the backstage guys has to go.

– The mark of a truly great man: Martin Scorcese cried when his longtime collaborator Thelma Schoonmaker won an Oscar, not when he finally won one himself.

And, thankfully, that’s all, folks.