Oscar Night 2009

OK, this is how unplugged I am. Thought the Oscars started at 9 p.m., so just tuned in. Sad, but not as sad as the presentation I just saw.
1) Tilda Swinton proved that last year was NOT a fluke. She doesn’t know how to pick out clothes. She followed last year’s horrid one-sided gown with an equally ugly accumulation of fabric that may be less flattering than last year, which didn’t seem possible at the time.
2) Goldie, I love you, but you’re too old to show that much flesh. JUST SAY NO. Too many hours in the tanning booth, hon. Looks bad. Looks REAL bad. Leave that dress to your daughter, sweetie.
3) Even in this weird format, Whoopie Goldberg is still funny. It takes a village (of presenters) to give an award.

Tina Fey and Steve Martin = inspired pairing.
Jennifer Aniston and Jack Black , not so much.

I am truly sorry I missed the opening number, which is usually an indicator of whether the show will bomb. I haven’t seen enough to make a judgment, but I will say I’m a fan of having comedians as hosts. You’ll have to go a long way in my book to top Billy Crystal’s song celebrating the nominees for 1990:
“Here’s a story ’bout a man named Corleone (“The Godfather III”)… he killed everyone, so now he’s Home Alone….”

Daniel Craig….mmmm.
Taking a quick break to watch highlights of “Casino Royale.”

Ben Stiller doing a great riff on Joaquin Phoenix, who appeared unrecognizable in a full beard, shaggy hair, and altered state on late night TV recently.

Whoa, is that guy wearing white Crocs with his tux?

And what the hell is that on Jennifer Beals’ dress? Looks like a satin waterfall or lava flow. Dresser! Scissors, please!

OK, I’m bored. So I went to the Oscar site to check out the red carpet photos, and was stunned to see Heidi Klum in a gown that looked like a Project Runway reject. How did that one get past Tim Gunn, much less the fashion dominatrix herself??

More inspired pairing: Hugh Jackman and Beyonce. Hot, hot, hot!

OK, I do like bringing out the cast of past winners for the big awards. The accumulated star power does carry a certain gravitas that you don’t get with just one.

Nice to see Heath Ledger’s award. We watched “The Dark Knight” last night for probably the 6th or 7th time, and that performance — terrifying and funny — actually gets better the more you see it.

Real tired of “Benjamin Button” and “Slumdog Millionarie” already. Sweeps are BORING!

This show is deadly. Even the bad fashion choices — and there have been more tonight than in recent years — can’t keep me engaged. Another Oscar for “Slumdog Millionaire.” I think I need to clean the fridge. Maybe work on that mold problem around the shower door.

The orchestra is playing the theme from “Gone With the Wind,” clearly inspired by Sophia Loren’s ball gown. Not quote a hoop skirt, but close. “Miss Scarlett! Miss Scarlett! Somebody stole Miss Ellen’s portieres!”

Robert DeNiro, still the man.

Please, no more close-ups on Mickey Rourke. It burns the precious!

ZZZZzzzzzzz…….